Post #11: Grandmothers are "in"

Returning to the journey of Stacy's pregnancy, and my 2016 pre-entree into the world of grandmotherhood, here's what was going on in early May when Stacy was nearing the end of her second trimester ...

I had gone to a local design event organized by PR consultant Jennifer Driscoll, daughter-in-law of my dear friend Susan Driscoll and wife of her son Keith who grew up with Stacy. While asking me a lot about Stacy's life situation, pregnancy, etc., Jen also reminisced about her pregnancy and birth of their then eight year-old daughter Hadley. Reminding me that she is three years older than Keith, Jen said she was ready to have a child well before Keith was. But when they both agreed, Jen fortunately got pregnant immediately (as did Stacy, I told her). Jen said that she loved having her mother-in-law Susan’s help when Hadley was born.

"Well, she was trained as a nurse," I said. "That must have been helpful."

"Not just that," said Jen. "She didn't just give advice, but when I asked her about something, like why the baby was crying at some point, she might say 'I don't know,' That was reassuring that we didn't have to have all the answers."

"Anyway, I think that's great that you felt that way about your mother-in-law being involved," I said. "Other daughters-in-law might not feel that way."

Later that evening I spoke to cousin Claudia who told me about an interesting new book about grandmothers by TV journalist Leslie Stahl. Having heard about the book on an NPR broadcast, Claudia related that Stahl both wrote about her personal experiences and reported research on the subject. I put that on my brain's back burner in the possible good reads department.

The next day in the car, I turned on the local pubic radio station which was in the middle of the show "On Point." The guest happened to be Leslie Stahl talking about her book on grand-parenting. I only heard a few minutes of the interview during my short car ride, during which Stahl reflected on the difference between being a grandmother to your son's or daughter's child, and (unlike Jen's experience) the relationship barriers that may occur with a daughter-in-law. For example, Stahl's grandmother friend said that she would not independently open drawers in the home of her daughter-in-law and son. That reminded me to discuss that further with Claudia who also had recognized some boundary issues at the home of her daughter-in-law and son.

I hadn't heard from Stacy lately, so I emailed her a brief note:

"How’s everything in Suva with you, Jason, Ginger [Jason’s dog], Percy and Mixie [Stacy’s cats]?

miss you, xoxo mom

Later that day, I was happy to receive a complete reply, starting with "Everything is good." There is an old saying that "No news is good news," but I am much happier to hear news than nothing which leads me to worry that there could be bad news until told otherwise.

Stacy continued, “I'm happy to be home - for at least this week anyway. Mixie has shown Ginger that she is the boss and the two seem to be able to hang out in the same general space together. Percy runs away, so that will take a while for a dog-cat truce. It's been good to see Jason, though he is very busy this week as they just started the new menu at Governors last night (apparently to rave reviews).

I'm off to Australia on Sunday for a meeting at UQ [University of Queensland] and doctor's appointments on Monday (glucose tolerance test, blood work and just general check-in with OB). Then head to PNG [Papua New Guinea] on Tuesday where I'll be until Friday night when I fly to Indonesia. It's all quite a lot of traveling at the moment - hoping baby hangs in there.

I caught Jason walking into the "baby room" the other day and unfolding and folding the baby clothes. He is pretty excited.

You should receive a Mother's Day delivery by Sunday. Hope you are home. Jason was a bit early and got me flowers last weekend - which I suppose was better as I could enjoy them this week as am leaving on Mother's Day here.

Love, Stacy”

So of course, I replied to Stacy:

"So glad to hear from you and that all is well at your home.

That’s so cute about Jason & the baby clothes :)

Thanks for telling me about the Mother’s Day delivery. I will look forward to receiving it.

We are leaving tomorrow for the Kentucky Derby, returning Sunday, but I will tell Vinny to watch out for a delivery while pet sitting Tory.

Nice that Jason got you flowers already.

Good luck with all the traveling and OB appointment. And good luck to Jason with the new Governors menu.

xoxo mom

When Jesse and I arrived in Louisville for Derby weekend, I had a ladies lunch with my host Aurora and another friend Peggy, our talk was all about impending grandmotherhood, as Aurora's daughter was also expecting her first baby and also happened to live far away, in her case Spain. Peggy, already grandmother to five grandchildren between her two daughters, spilled the beans to us that number six was newly incubating.

Grandmothers can still party: Grandmother-to-be Beryl at Kentucky Derby

After a festive partying weekend Louisville-style, I was greeted at home on Mother’s Day with a lovely and colorful bouquet of flowers from both Stacy and Jason. (I vividly remembered when a similar note from the two of them had accompanied the prior year’s Mother’s Day flowers, which was a strong indication of how serious Stacy’s and Jason’s relationship had become.) Although I knew Stacy had organized the flower delivery, I decided to send a thank-you email copied to both Stacy and Jason.

"Dear Stacy & Jason,

Thank you for the beautiful & cheerful flower arrangement.

Looking forward to next mother's day when Stacy is a mother too

Xoxo Mom"

I wondered if I should sign the email as “Mom” but "Mom/Beryl” had seemed awkward. It's just in my nature to be concerned with writing etiquette.

Monday morning, I checked my Ipad for emails first thing while still in bed as I often do. Stacy had written:

Hi Mom,

Glad you liked the flowers (and that they showed up!)

Have checked with Inn on the Park and they have apartments available for July/Aug. One option is that I can get a 1 bedroom from when I first arrive on July 3 and then move into a 2 bedroom when you come. I talked to Jason and he is fine with this arrangement if you are. Let me know if that would work out or if you would rather get a separate 1 bedroom unit as I would like to lock in the dates ASAP with the managers here. And remind me what is the exact date that you arrive in Brisbane?

Off to PNG tomorrow and will be there through Friday - then on to Indonesia.

Love,

Stacy

Although I was still tired from our partying weekend at the Derby, I figured I better write back to Stacy asap. I reviewed the Inn on the Park website and accommodation photos, but I really did not have a firm answer for her and wrote back a rather convoluted reply.

Hi Stacy,

First, the easy question to answer: My arrival in Brisbane is on Thursday, August 11 (I depart Boston on Tues, Aug 9)

Re Brisbane accommodations, I looked up website which I assume is Inn on the Park, Toowong. Looks like an ideal short term rental, convenient and lots of amenities.

Here’s my thinking but we may want to discuss this further.

I certainly think staying with you when I first arrive in a 2-bedroom unit would be fine, but I am not sure if we would feel rather cramped and on top of each other once Jason and the baby come. I did read that they also have something called a two bedroom with study that might have a bit more space.

However, when the baby comes, you might appreciate my being in the same apt for possible 24-hour help (hoping I will be helpful?)

So maybe I could stay with you, and see how it goes. If it’s too tight, maybe they will have a different apt I can move into?

Or maybe they have two apartments quite near each other?

I realize this is not a firm answer, but it’s really hard to know how we will all feel. And for sure, I want to be helpful but not feel we are all on top of each other and frustrate or aggravate anyone. Also just remember that Dad is likely to show up too for a few days, so that will be even more crowded.

This is all a bit complicated, but after writing this, my general thinking is:

1. I see no problem with you and I sharing an apartment pre-baby.

2. But when we add Jason and Dad in, and baby, I think we will need more space.

3. I realize this is confusing because there are no firm dates for the baby’s arrival or Dad yet. Do you have an idea of Jason’s dates?

4. I want us all to be comfortable and happy on this joyous occasion, and I will do all I can to help, physically and financially.

5. I realize time is critical for you to nail down some specific dates with the management, as you are leaving for business trips, so lock in what you think best, as hopefully adjustments can be fine-tuned later.

xoxo Mom

So here’s what a somewhat annoyed Stacy had to say about my uncertainty:

Hi Mom,

Sorry - your answer is a bit wishy washy. I need to book in now because the apartments will get filled and we can't just see how we feel and decide to switch later.

It is about AU$770/week for a 1 bedroom and AU$950 or so for a 2 bedroom, so having a 2 bedroom will save a lot of money, but I don't want to be moving 3 times and I don't know when Jason/Dad will be coming.

Unless you can commit to a 2 bedroom right now for when you come, I am going to book myself into a 1 bedroom for the duration that I can share with Jason when he comes.

Stacy

My still uncertain reply to that was: “The two bedroom certainly seems more economical as long as we aren’t too cramped. I looked at the picture of the 2 bedroom with the study but not sure that gives much more room, but maybe good quiet space for baby or someone else temporarily working etc.”

At that point, Stacy suggested we actually talk with each other, which ended up being a mobile call on What’s App. She really needed to nail this down immediately. So I agreed to go along with her plan to move together into the two-bedroom when I arrive, and observed that if the place got too cramped at some point, I could move with Jesse to a hotel temporarily.

It was so hard to know in advance how all of this scenario would actually play out.